"Good morning, everyone, and welcome aboard American Trans Air flight 458. Before we take off, I'd like to call your attention to some safety features we have on board. Each seat on board comes with a safety information card; we'd like you to read very carefully through this in preparation for the mid-flight test later on. I'd also like to call your attention to the smartly dressed flight attendants standing before you, who will be pointing out exits and other aircraft equipment. There are six exits on board, two at the back two in the middle and two at the front. Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from above. Place these over your mouth and nose and begin breathing normally. Adults, put your own mask on before helping a child or an adult who's acting like a child.
"Once we have reached a comfortable altitude, the captain will turn off the seat belt sign and you will be free to move about the cabin. If you need to use the bathroom, we have six on board, three forward and three aft. If you're unfamiliar with the terms 'fore' and 'aft,' you're in some trouble, aren't you? We'd like to remind you that this is a no-smoking flight and, to ensure this, smoke detectors are installed in all lavatories. Federal law prohibits tampering with this device or with the hidden camera. Photographs will be available at the end of the flight.
"We'll be showing two movies on today's flight. Our first is entitled The Hijacking of Flight 458 [this flight's number], followed by Jet Crash '98. Both movies are based on real-life events, as told by American Trans Air cabin attendants. For the moment, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight, as I and the rest of the cabin attendants go below deck to begin searching through your luggage."