-Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbours think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".

-Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 metres of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything..... the fuel is!

-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"

-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.

-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.

-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.

-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.

-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.

Emergency generator - device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.

Landing light - preferable to landing heavy.

Bank - owners of mortgage on aircraft.

Walkaround - procedure when waiting for better weather.

Briefing - spending a long time saying nothing.

De-briefing - spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it. "

Every year aircraft manufacturers try to add something to their latest models. If they can't add it to the instrument rack, the speed, the handling, or the load carrying capacity, they do the next best thing..... they add a bit to the price!

Insurer: It was pilot error

Pilot : It was design error

Insurer: I disagree. The pilot is at fault for trusting the designer

A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.

An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.

Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Things which do you no good in aviation:

- Altitude above you.

- Runway behind you.

- Fuel in the truck.

- Half a second in history.

- Approach plates in the car.

- The airspeed you don't have.

Q: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth?

A: The cockpit door!

Q: What is the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?

A: The jet engine stops whining at the gate

Q: How does a blind parachutist know when he's about to hit the ground?

A: His guide dog's leash goes slack.

Q: How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?

A: By the bend of the earth!

Q: Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?

A: Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......

A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. 

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Gotcha! 

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.

China in the eighties. A DC-3 (or similar?) loaded with tourist passengers starts up and is about to taxi. Then the engines are shut down again. The captain leaves the cockpit and adresses the passengers: "This plane ill! We take other plane!"

They all walk over to a DC-3 parked across the ramp. Engines started, and shut down again. Captain adresses passengers again: "This plane more ill! We take first plane!"

A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.

"Madam," he replies, "I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.

"You'll have to send him around again," said the instructor.

"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?" 

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there." 

The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:

Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb.

During this climb he got a call from ATC as follows, "Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Ooh, up, sir."

Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.

The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.

Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed. 

Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.

After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, "Why, yes, I am -- I fly a C-150." Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.

Pointing to it, he tells his companion, "See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!"